It has taken 3 days, a lot of reading of useful material that I have gathered over the years of group and individual therapy, and trusting my gut.
So the answer to part one of the question is that my desire to learn a language is a healthy one,it's the compulsive desire to be perfect at it with items inherent internal punishment that's not.
So I'm not giving up learning a language.
So the next part of the question is which language?
Now reaching this decision involved thinking about it a lot, then spending a long time purposely not thinking about it and avoiding the question all together, and then trusting my gut.
I'll get to why in a minute.
So why not Welsh, Norwegian or nothing at all?
1. not learning a language would have made me miserable.
2. My desire to learn Welsh is driven by a self loathing fuelled compulsion to be as Welsh as I possibly can be. It sets unrealistic goals that can never be achieved and it makes me miserable.
3.My drive to learn Norsk is fuelled by a compulsion to be as Viking as possible - which is daft because apart from loving Vikings and their culture I'm not one (outside of my mind) - and again leads to me being miserable.
So why German?
- quite a bit of what I learnt at school stuck so it's familiar to me.
- I have no desire to be perfect at it.
- I have a member of my family that is fluent and has offered to help me learn.
- I want to understand Rammstein lyrics.
And,this is the most important bit,
It's was my gut decision.
Under no pressure to pick one, my "gut" chose German.
For the first time in years (and I mean years) I am completely at ease with that choice.
I've done it.
It can be done.
Obsessive compulsions can be beaten.
Never give up.