Friday, 23 August 2013

A bit of an explanation...

My last few posts might seem a strange thing to share.

I wanted to share my thought process when I'm having a lapse in my OCD management to try and show what it's like in my head - horrible.

It's helped me, I hope it might help someone else.

I hope you who read them haven't lost any respect for me.

Now I'm feeling great and messing with some Norsk coz I can :-)

OCD & Languages - sorted for good

I swear this is the last I'm going to say about this but what I thought was sorted was actually one step short of sorted.

That last step has been made.

What was that step?

Realising that I don't have to choose. I can happily flit between as many languages as I damn well want to, I can never be great at speaking any of them and do you know what?
That is absolutely fine.
In fact, not just fine, that's how it is and what it is is perfectly imperfect!

Super Happy Gareth!

One day,I'll be able to write that in at least three different tongues ;-)

Wednesday, 21 August 2013

OCD & Languages - Sorted!


It has taken 3 days, a lot of reading of useful material that I have gathered over the years of group and individual therapy, and trusting my gut.

So the answer to part one of the question is that my desire to learn a language is a healthy one,it's the compulsive desire to be perfect at it with items inherent internal punishment that's not.
So I'm not giving up learning a language.

So the next part of the question is which language?

Now reaching this decision involved thinking about it a lot, then spending a long time purposely not thinking about it and avoiding the question all together, and then trusting my gut.

It's German.

I'll get to why in a minute.

So why not Welsh, Norwegian or nothing at all?

1. not learning a language would have made me miserable.
2. My desire to learn Welsh is driven by a self loathing fuelled compulsion to be as Welsh as I possibly can be. It sets unrealistic goals that can never be achieved and it makes me miserable.
3.My drive to learn Norsk is fuelled by a compulsion to be as Viking as possible - which is daft because apart from loving Vikings and their culture I'm not one (outside of my mind) - and again leads to me being miserable.

So why German?
- quite a bit of what I learnt at school stuck so it's familiar to me.
- I have no desire to be perfect at it.
- I have a member of my family that is fluent and has offered to help me learn.
- I want to understand Rammstein lyrics.
And,this is the most important bit, 
It's was my gut decision. 
Under no pressure to pick one, my "gut" chose German.

For the first time in years (and I mean years) I am completely at ease with that choice.

I've done it.
It can be done.
Obsessive compulsions can be beaten.
Never give up. 

Monday, 19 August 2013

Languages & OCD : What if.....

What if the real victory over this is to stop?
To stop making a concerted effort to learn a language and just forget about it?
Maybe the whole drive to learn a language is a compulsion?
I can link at least two of my drives to OCD faulty thinking in part.
One I can't.

This casts some doubt on the what if.

And creates a bit of an never ending vicious cycle.

And if none of it's fun, because of this cycle, should I keep doing it?
Would stopping be letting the OCD win or would carrying on feed it?

These are questions I need to find an answer for.

Wish me luck.


Thursday, 15 August 2013

Languages & OCD - the fight goes on....

I thought I had cracked my language learning OCD cycle last week and, whilst I had made progress, I'd not quite cracked it.
But I think I have now.
Which language I'm learning isn't the issue, it's the feeling that I have to be learning one.
I do want to learn a language.
But I shouldn't feel that I have to be, or that I should be able to do it perfectly.
That's what the problem is.
So what do I do?
Well I go back to being happy with the fact that it's taken me 7 years to complete the first 7 instalments of a beginners course of SaySomethingInWelsh (excellent course by the way) and crack on with learning it be wise it's really the one that I wish I could speak fluently.
But every now and then, if I fancy having a break and dabbling German, Norsk or anything then I will - without having to ditch any other option.
You might think this sounds simple.
For you maybe it is( I hope it is).
For me, it's not and I might no succeed but I'm going to try.
Having a healthy goal is a big help.
So here it goes.

Lesson 8 of SSIW here I come :-)