All of this has been rooted, to some degree, in trying to find something that I can stand before myself in the mirror and declare "I believe this...".
The thing is, I have never found that something.
Well not in anything I have ever found written down or spoken apart from one thing.
That one thing is the quote by Marcus Aurelius, Stoic philosopher and Roman Emperor during the 1st century CE.:
"Live a good life. If there are gods and they are just, then they will not care how devout you have been, but will welcome you based on the virtues you have lived by. If there are gods, but unjust, then you should not want to worship them. If there are no gods, then you will be gone, but will have lived a noble life that will live on in the memories of your loved ones. I am not afraid."
That pretty much sums it up for me. I've tried to find "more" than that but for me there doesn't seem to anything more than than to it.
So I'm going to stop searching and get on with living.