When my OCD attacks......

As some of you may know, I've been quite under the weather in the last few days. This has meant me being off work and having time on my hands but unable to do what I normally would because I've been leveled.

As someone with a history of OCD I know that time like this can be dangerous.
I've found, over time, that time such as this are when I am most likely to have any lapses in my mental health.
My idle mind does wander, not always to negative places but wander it does.
I always get big feelings of redundancy, insecurity and depression when I'm not physically well, and unfortunately this time was no different.
These feelings can lead me to fall back into my "old ways" and not always make decisions that are conducive to my good mental health. (Believe me, there's been a lot of lists written and checks made over the last few days).
This had lead to a few dark days.

Fortunately for me, I have the tools to deal with this. Thanks to the help of my therapists in the past and the skills I learned in group therapy I can handle my dark days, perhaps more retrospectively than I would choose, and get myself back on track.

Along with those things, the love and support of my family and friends has once again been invaluable and I cannot thank you all enough.

Being cast aside....................

There are times in life when we are, to use a phrase, cast aside.
This can be from a relationship, from a project, from a job or from a team of any kind. In a way it's natural, as all things change, but that doesn't stop it hurting.

We all, in our own ways, like to feel needed and productive. To find yourself in a position when those for whom you were being productive, and who were in return fulfilling the feeling of need, decide you are no longer needed can be quite a shock - even when it's been on the cards for a while.
Those words, that email or conversation, that makes it final can come like a silver bullet to the heart. You may have watched them load the gun, take aim and studied them pull the trigger but it hits you the same as if you'd never seen it coming.

That impact stirs up feelings of depression, anger, frustration and apathy amongst many others, it can leave one feeling aimless and adrift. A horrible situation for anyone.

I find myself in this situation today, following some news yesterday.
I won't go into details here because it would not be appropriate, but what I am going to do is tell you how I'm coping and what I intend to do about it.

Now I'm not saying that I am handling this perfectly but it's working for me and it might work for you too should, gods forbid, you end up in a similar situation.

I'm giving the feelings stirred up by the news their air. I'm allowing myself to feel them to their full whilst remembering that it's normal to feel angry, frustrated, sad and apathetic at a time like this.
But most importantly I am allowing myself to be happy.
When things take a turn for the worst it is all too easy to allow the negative event to stain all things in your life and to blot out the joy in things.
I'm allowing myself to smile and laugh when something amuses me, I'm still enjoying listening to music & watching my favourite TV programs despite the fact I could easily curl up into a ball of self pity and do none of these things.
To put it simply I am trying to maintain a realistic, philosophical view of things.

So that's how I'm coping, now what am I going to do about it?

Well the first step is to remember that just because "Group A" no longer deems you "good" enough doesn't mean that "Group B", " Group 1" or "Group Yellow" don't think you're good enough. It's group A's loss not yours, and in time a group that does think you're good enough will come along and you will thrive within the new circumstances. :)

The next step is remember that change is constant and the flux it creates is not always easy to handle. This does not make you weak, just a human being. :)

The final step is, once you feel ready (which I do as my situation was not unforeseen), to get out there and take action.
Now in a professional capacity this can mean getting your CV back out there on the job sites, in a emotional capacity it can be the act of beginning to interact with other people in an open way again and in a team or group capacity it is starting to look for other groups/teams to join.

Change favours the prepared mind. Even when taken by surprise we can prepare, adapt and overcome with greater ease than we think we're capable of.

So should you find yourself cast aside then stay positive (believe me, I know it's easier said then done) and help yourself.........and most importantly remember to allow yourself to be happy no matter how bad things get, you don't have to be a Cheshire Cat 24hrs a day but a little bit of happy time (calm you minds readers, there's no euphemism here.lol) can make a massive difference.

Take care out there, be nice to yourself and other people.

Rok On.
\m/

Update on the thing in my head.

So as part of the ongoing management of my OCD, my Therapist has encouraged me to conduct regular reviews of "life" to see how I'm doing and help me get a clear picture of the flow of things.

Now as something of list maker this has never been a problem for me and whilst doing my regular monthly checks today it occurred to me that I've not blogged about how I'm doing with my condition.

Those who know me know that the last 5 years, since being formally diagnosed, have been a trial for me, and those around me.

There have been times where I've been going backwards rather than forward, where the darkness just wouldn't give way to even a shimmer of light and when the hill seemed too steep to climb.

Conversely there have also been times of unbridled triumph , where I basked in the light that sent to shadows scattering and when I've done nothing but gained momentum on my way down the other side of the hill.

Anyway today proved something of a milestone.

I had to attend quite a serious meeting at work today which involved me, several members of senior management and quite a large does of anxiety.

Now anxiety is something that I suffer with really bad. In the past it has been one of the main triggers for some of my worst episodes and up-turns in compulsive behavior(repetitive list writing, agonising over choices to name just two symptoms).

Anyway, over the last few days my daily anxiety levels have risen as the meeting approached but I've managed to keep it at bay. Yay! Even in the final hours leading up to the meeting I managed to keep my marbles in their bag, as it where.

How?

• by monitoring my behaviour and not allowing the beginnings of "faulty thinking" to bloom into full blown all encompassing internal crisis's.
• by remembering to breath......slowly. Simple but easy to forget when flapping.
• practicing mindfulness.

I want to talk a little bit about mindfulness, as it's been something of a revelation for me. At first I didn't get it. When I was first introduced to it a few years ago at group therapy I couldn't get a working mental image to allow me to remove me from my thoughts and view the process from a position of calm detachment. Then,about 18 months ago, I was having a series of sessions with a student therapist called Madelaine. The subject of mindfulness, and my struggle with it, came up and she suggested a simple mental image to use that, for one reason or another, has worked for me. The image is this:

Before you is a series of boxes. In to each box goes a thought as it occurs to you, without you analysing it - just recognising it was a thought and putting it in the box. Once a box has a thought in it, it goes on to a conveyor belt. The conveyor belt winds its way to a hatch at the far end of the space before you. Once the box containing the thought goes through the hatch it is gone, it cannot come back. Other thoughts upon the same subject or emotion may occur, they may be identical but they are new thoughts.

Using this scenario/mechanism/ritual/strategy (call it what you will) it is amazing how quickly I can "get a grip" and calm down, effectively clearing my head and then "starting again" from a mindset I choose rather than the one created by reaction to my faulty thoughts.

It's worth mentioning at this point that there are as many of these scenario's as there are people, anything that works for the individual is fine - but the one above works for me. :)

Anyway back to today. The meeting went well and resulted in a positive outcome which I didn't fully believe it would but it did. Thank the Gods. :)

Not so long ago a meeting like this would have caused panic attacks and days (and sleepless nights) of obsessively compulsive acts.

I would like to think that this may help another who, reading this at a dark time, may see that there is hope of getting on top of things.

So in terms of review, things are going well. Not every day is easy and not every day do I succeed. But the difference between a lapse and a relapse are huge and a lapse can be coped with. Using the above methods I have found a way of living my life the way I want to, not the way that my OCD drives me to live.

There is hope.

You can win.

\m/